Making decisions is hard to do

I recently had a follow up appointment with my fertility specialist.  He did not say anything new.  He doesn't want me to loose hope of carrying my own child.  60% chance of success, he said.  I left with sadness in my heart.  I know the reality of the situation and, bless him, he is trying to help me have hope.  I don't want hope where it doesn't need to be right now.  I will always wish to be the one that a miracle happens to. but what kind of life would I have if I concentrated on that? No life at all.

I am okay with what Will and I have decided.  We have decided that enough is enough.  People are often critical of this choice.  I will never look back with regrets, which is what I wanted. I don't need to explain my decision and I won't go against what I feel is right.

I feel so much peace in the decisions we have made.  I feel the Lord is saying to me that it is okay to let go.  He will take care of it and I don't need to worry so much anymore. He has inspired my mind to a certain path and I am grateful for finding what I need.  I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that I am not doing infertility.  It took up so much of me that I am drawing a blank on what to do with my thoughts, my time, and my effort.

I have decided to go back to school.  No more maybe we will be pregnant excuses. I am finishing.  I am going to be a teacher. I am going to have my own classroom.  After I am there, we will readdress baby, buying a house, travel, what ever the heck we want.  There is nothing holding us back from taking control of our plans. 

I am ready to get to work on something else.  So much so, in fact, that I am sooo anxious and bored until I can start my classes. What does one do at home, alone, during the day, when everything is already done.  They get bored and anxious, that is what they do. 

It is time to move on.  I am so ready.  Really ready to talk about something else.  I bet you all are ready for that too. :)

It's only been a week

It's only been a week since I lost our baby for good. I feel weird today. I have been doing my best to fight the depression that has ensued in my last miscarriage. I am not sure if I am doing a good job. 

I have moments of such sadness. I am having flashbacks of extremely sad moments from this journey. Then I have some good moments, moments of clarity and peace. I wish I felt normal or put together. 

I hate how fast the world moves. How a week ago it's all we talked about and this week is time to move on so no one says anything. All I get is a week. Just one week to loose my dream of being a mother and then I am expected to pick up the pieces and get back to normal. I don't even know what normal is for me anymore. 

Sometimes I feel so empty. In more ways than one. Sometimes I feel so heart broken I don't know how I will go to work. And there are moments I look at my husband and curse my stupid body for taking away his dreams too.

But the show must go on folks. Do I hold onto the prices of my heart and pray for an easier way to reassemble them than I feel now. 

Post miscarriage update

By now most of you know about my third  miscarriage that occurred this week. If you don't, please read my previous post. 

This is an update with all the details including common questions that have been asked. If you are sensitive to this subject, please, for your sake, do not read on. 

Tuesday, after my specialist confirmed miscarriage, I was given 3 options. 

1. Wait for natural miscarriage 

2. Medication that causes contraction 

3. D&C ( for those that don't know, includes the doctor removing all tissue) 

He gave me a list of the options and their pros and cons, sent me home to think about it, and instruction to call him in the morning with an answer.

I have really experienced all 3 of these options in the past. I personally have known all of their pros and cons. I did not discover my first miscarriage until I was 10 weeks along, by that point the baby had been gone for 4 weeks! I had no bleeding. So, I immediately eliminated option number 1. When you know your baby is gone, it is very emotional to keep carrying them. The loss is literally hanging out inside your body. It's the worst feeling. Ever.

Once my first miscarriage was discovered, I was encouraged to take option 2. It was the most painful and traumatizing experience. The cramping was excruciating for days, I bled heavily for 3 weeks, and worst of all, I passed our baby in our bathroom alone. It was absolutely heartbreaking. 

My second miscarriage I obviously opted for a D&C. Although, the midwife I was working with at the time was fantastic, the OBGYN she was under, was not. The procedure was painful, expensive, and heartless. I bled for a week or two after and experienced some insensitive and painful follow up appointments after. Insurance only covered $300 of the $1800 bill. 

I thought about my options all day on Tuesday. Obviously none of them were appealing. I prayed and prayed. I consulted with my husband. Finally I chose to do a D&C. The last year and a half has been so physically trying with treatments and injections and ultrasounds and test and and and. I took the least physically difficult option for obvious reasons. 

I was nervous, extremely nervous. Getting through the physical part is the last leg of climbing this particular mountain. I couldn't sleep and my anxiety was high. The nausea kicked in around 3am. I was hungry from not eating and thirsty from no drink. And yesterday at 2:30 it was time for this to be done. I was given medication before my procedure to soften the cervix. I started passing tissue an hour before my appointment. 

How do I even explain what it feels like as you are prepped? You know you have lost your baby, and that you waited so long for that positive. And now it's about to be gone...again. The entire loss culminates in this one moment and you feel like you are in a tunnel, you can't cry or move. You can faintly hear your husband joking with the nurse to lighten the mood. But most of all you know this is the last minute, the last pregnant minute. You want to fall into a million pieces but you know you can't. You have to finish this for yourself and for a future  your not even sure you want without that little baby you dreamed of. 

The moment arrived. I was given conscious sedation, which for me is unconscious sedation, thank goodness. One minute after she injects the meds, my head feels fuzzy, then I am waking up in recovery feeling warm and comfortable and funny :) I was supposedly concerned about some people planting flowers in the corner of the room. "They can't do that in here!" I said :) 

And then it was done. I eased quickly out of sedation and I was on my way home. 

Since I have had no cramping. The bleeding has already stopped and I physically feel great. 

Throughout this entire process I have been so blessed to work with Dr. Peterson at the University of Utah. Every step of the way I have trusted him and he has not let me down at any juncture. He has helped me more in the last 5 months than any other dr has in my entire life. He is so good at what he does that it has relieved symptoms and made this process a million times easier. Most of all, I know he is a special man, a kind man. I love him for what he has done for me even if outcome is not what we planned or wanted. 

Now Will and I grieve a bit. We are fine at moments but then there are some where we hug and cry for our baby. We talk about what's next but we never get very far. And that's ok. We just hug each other a little tighter and mean I love you a little but more. 

Thankfully something I thought was going to be more physically difficult isn't. And the money to pay for it has somehow made its way into our bank account. And most of all my heart feels the most love it ever has. 

I know my Heavenly Father is watching me. He is giving me blessings in other ways. He is using all of you to bless me. And the best thing is, he is taking care of my heart. Ultimately, I know I will be ok and that with Him I can do anything. That almost makes me excited to see what comes next. 

Finding answers

 Oh how I have dreamed that this blog post would say something much different. I have dreamed of how I would announce a healthy pregnancy. More so lately I guess, because I was pregnant. 

I found out I was finally pregnant at 3 weeks 5 days along. I found out I miscarried at 7 weeks 1 day. Monday. 

My 3rd miscarriage. And finally some answers. You know, those silly little answers I have been begging for? They have arrived. 

Our future pregnancy options are bleak at best. This is what my wonderfully educated doctor gave me. This ugly list...

1. Get pregnant again, use experimental medication to maybe change outcome. 

2. 19k IVF which includes chromosomal testing for a possible better outcome. 

3. Surrogacy - 20k with a surrogate who will carry the baby for free. Our best biological option.

4. Adoption

Oh man is that an interesting list. 

How do I feel about it? Relieved. Some of you are probably like "what!? Relieved?" Yep, relieved. You see, I have spent the better part of 8 years fighting tooth and nail for the answer and for no regrets. And now I have that. I feel like I can breathe! 

I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power, given my 100% if you will. And it was not enough to fix this...BUT, The Lord makes it enough. He makes up the difference. And now it's His turn. His turn to take this on. And He has. 

I feel more peace than I have in years. I feel blessed for my unique path. I feel loved and comforted. And most of all, I know that I am his daughter and these answers come as a closure He has always promised me He would send. I know my sacrifices have been acknowledged. I know there are wondrous blessings to come.  

I will never lose hope. Never lose hope that there may be a miracle left yet. 

But now I am finally free, to give my energy to my husband, to my family, to another path that has less loss. 

I am free. So don't worry about me, I have turned a corner. Turned onto a brighter path with light as far as I can see. And I know that happiness is just around the next bend. It is waiting for me and I must go. 

First meeting

I am sorry I haven't posted for a bit. I have been so busy with Conceivable Hope. I am so excited to announce our first support group meeting to all of you. All of you beautiful women who follow this blog and who have contacted me to share your life and beautiful story with me have inspired this project. I hope as this support group grows I can get to know you all more and also meet some new friends.

Our first meeting is a celebration! A celebration of you and your strength. Often, around Mother's Day we are forgotten. For some of us Mother's Day is a difficult day loaded with painful reminders if our situation. So, I wanted a day to celebrate US! A day where we can feel special too! What a perfect day to start the support group, infertility survival day!

Saturday, May 4, 2013
@ 11:00 am
2454 w 1900 n
Farr west, UT
84404
Lunch will be served.

Please join us, and bring your significant other :)

Please email me for questions or directions. SEE YOU IN MAY!
Conceivablehope@gmail.com